Mar 1, 2018
Wasp sting your friend? 8th graders steal your snowball? A girl has bigger boobs than you? This episode's all about getting your revenge.
This is Producer Jesse welcoming you to another episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! If at any point while listening to the following you think, "Man, I know a kid with problems way more fucked up than this," go find that child, place them in front of a computer, and get them to submit their questions here.
The first question this episode is from Hailey, a seven-year-old girl who's out for blood:
Hello, can you help me? Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it?
— Hailey, 7
Asterios and Sriracha soberly advise Hailey to listen to her parents, who are only looking out for her safety and — oh wait, no, it turns out they recommend becoming a martyr for wasp genocide? HA! Who gave these assholes a podcast?
Next up is a girl who's got two very big problems:
I’m 14 and I’m very insecure about my large Breast size. My friends all think it’s great, but it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body.
I always see people staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed but I don’t. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it? No 14 year old should have a DD bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age. It’s just not right.
— Big Breasts, 14
Sriracha lightheartedly recommends committing suicide, before moving on to her real advice, which is to commit suicide. Asterios, not ready to commit to the show's premise that explicitly, digs deeper.
Finally, a tale of heartbreak as old as time itself:
The snow was really packy yesterday so I decided to roll a giant snowball. By the end of the day it was so big I could barely move it. It was awesome! But today when I got to school it was gone. The 8th graders took apart everyone's snow men and stole my snowball to make a giant snow fort. The teachers don't care even though everyone is upset. I want to get back at them but they're scary. I'm only in grade 4. What should I do?
— Snowball, 9
How will David take on Goliath? Well, if he follows Asterios' advice he'll frame Goliath for planning the next Columbine. Or he can follow Sriracha's advice: lead him to believe he got cucked by a 4th grader.
Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!
And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.